Ode to Diddle, or The Poem I Wrote About How I’m Jealous of a Dog

I think about my major, you catch the ball

I rethink my relationships, you bring it back

I add up all my responsibilities, you catch the ball

I decide that I hate myself, you bring it back

Cute doesn’t even begin to describe it.

You’re cute to a fault.

Annoyingly adorable.

Unbearably sweet.

Frustratingly optimistic.

Transparent and heartbreakingly simple.

You hop through the yard on your back legs,

The world is your trampoline.

Every tool is your toy,

every movement a chance for you to play.

A wag of your tail wipes away your problems

as if they were written in dry erase marker.

“No” is an obstacle,

“Never” is an impossibility

You are destined to remain perpetually happy.

I am destined to keep you that way. 

Let's all agree to not judge me for writing a manifesto and then instantly disregarding it ok?

So a lot of things have happened since we last talked!
Christmas happened! I got a video camera (youtube.com/user/MorganaBurriito), a pretty rad lady blazer, and a couple other super neat things.
What'd you get?! NEAT!

New Years happened! I told people that I resolved to "stop waiting" which tricks them into thinking I made a real life-changing deal with myself, but is vague enough to mean anything I need it to mean. So it could mean "stop waiting until the night before to do your essays" but it also could mean "stop waiting until after your homework to watch another season of ANTM" when left up to one's interpretation.

Other things that happened: I fell in love with Patrick Bateman, I pimped out Backdoor Comedy's tumblr, OH AND I WATCHED THE SHERLOCK PREMIERE.
#DEAD

Anyway. There is so much I could talk to you about. But today I'm going to talk to you about nothing. More specifically my lack of doing anything.

For example, I tried to write this post for about 2 days before I actually sat down and wrote it. Before that it was a "new tab" that I had up to feel the possibility of productivity while I rewatched Grace Helbig videos.

I recently made a pact with a great friend of mine to become "Better People". We filled an entire looseleaf page with items that would make us "better". Some being simple things that we should already be doing like "Get up before noon. Every Day," and "Make your bed". Others are more complex and a little scary like "Take more risks" or "Talk to more people".

I've made similar resolutions every year since Freshman year of HS.

So do I really think this time will be any different?
Well, I'm gonna tell you a secret. I made another resolution that I didn't tell people. I told myself to Commit. One thing I've learned from improv, is that if you don't commit, it wont work. If you have one leg out the door as you do a character or say a line, you will lose the audience. Letting other people know that you dont believe in yourself 100% at all times is NEVER not a weakness.

So to answer my own question: Of course!
Of course this time will be different. I've got a friend. I've got role models. I've got stuff to do.

There is not a single chance that I won't be a better person at the end of 2014. Not a chance that I won't love every second of it. Not a chance in hell that this won't be the best year of my life yet.

Happy 2014, friends!
I'll be seeing you soon.

OK I'm Getting Serious, No One.

I have had this blog for about 2 years.
I barely post on it.
Well that all changes today.

I want to be a writer and I never write.
I want to do something creative and I never create.

I'm sick of it. I'm sick of making excuses for myself. I'm sick of allowing myself to loaf.
I want to be productive and I'm going to produce.
If I want something made, I've got to make.

Ohhh I am resisting the urge to turn this from a manifesto to a drawn out poop metaphor....

RESISTED.
MANIFESTO TIME.

From this day forward I'm going to write on this blog every day. I'm going to say things that matter and that make others feel something.

This is going to be my workspace where I experiment and hopefully improve my writing and comedy and all of it.

OK I HAVE TO GO TO CLASS NOW.
It's finals week right now just so you know.
Instead of studying I'm writing manifestos on my blog.
That should tell you why I need to be funny.
I have no academic future.

WHOA! It was fucking Thanksgiving today!

So today was Thanksgiving.
It was great.
Love the food. Love the fam. Love it.

But today was weird.
Good weird but still weird.

Today I played Cards Against Humanity while drunk... with my mom...

That's... really weird.

So here are some preliminary facts about me so that you truly understand the feelings that today evoked in me.

My mom and I get along fine. She scares me a little but she's my mom and I think that's normal.
But we don't talk a super lot. We're just people who cohabitated for a little while and then I moved out and I call her now and again and I move back into her house when I'm in town and she spends money on me.

Like we love each other don't get me wrong.
But we aren't the fucking Gilmore Girls, Ok?

ok.
It was my turn to pick the winner and I chose "dick fingers" and who takes the card. MY MOTHER.
What?

How do you go from "my mom doesn't know my major" to "my mom and I now share an inside joke and that joke is 'dick fingers'"?

That's not real life.

Anyway later on my aunt was choosing the winner and she picked "double penetration" and of course it was me and everyone at the table was like "omg Morgan?" and my mom said "wow..." and I said "are you proud?" and she said "kind of"

So basically this was a long story to explain to everyone why I am the way I am.
Mostly I'd blame it on dick fingers, double penetration and similar incidents.

Don't play this game with your parents unless you're ready for it.
Or do.
It might work out super well.


PS I had to tell my mom what 'queefing' was so prepare yourself motherfuckers because this game isn't messing around.

So this is me doing horrible stand up (on purpose) and then a strip tease.
I'm pretty confident no one looks at this blog so I have little to no trouble posting it.

SO CHECK IT OUT, STRANGERS.

Let's Catch Up, Internet!

WOWIE WOW WOW.

It has been a long time, internet.
Two years.
Jeez.
Where does the time go?

First off, how have you been?
Great!
What have you been up to?
Neat!
Got any significant others now?
Yeah? He was a tool. I never liked him.
Did your boobs grow in ok?
Me neither, don't worry about it.

Me?
Well I'm in college now! Yeah! Indiana University!
I agree, It's pretty mediocre.
Last time we talked I was only 17. WOW.
I'm 19 now. Everything is so different!
No, I'm still pretty obsessive. And I'm still a vegetarian.
I guess I'm still pretty similar...
I have Netflix now! Well... I stole my friend's password... so
I don't like Carrie Underwood as much any more!
So that's different.

Most importantly I'd still like to be on SNL one day. I'm in two Improv groups on IU's campus which is an actual step towards that dream.

Wow, it has been great catching up.
I really missed you, internet.
I can tell by my 4 pageviews today that you really missed me too.
Promise me we'll actually keep in touch ok?
I'll call you tomorrow.
Or at least text you.
Facebook message like... at the very least.
Do you still have that Earthlink account?

You Know You Watch Too Much TV If....

1.       You have more than 6 commercial jingles memorized.

2.       You make references to television that hasn’t been popular in 30 years.

3.       You watch Food Network with no intention of cooking, ever.

4.       You care about the love lives of the Golden Girls.

5.       You have television theme songs on your Ipod.

6.       You begin to imagine yourself as the main character of a sitcom.

7.       You are paranoid of ridiculous, Three’s Company-esque mix-ups that might lead to someone (showing up to a serious event dressed in some sort of goofy costume, or at an unreasonably late time, or an entirely different location), all of which completely ruin your chance of (getting married, getting a new job, going out with a person you like), but eventually will be fixed by some extraordinary act of dorkiness.

8.       You cry when fictional relationships end.

9.       You can accurately predict the entire plot of a current sitcom within the first 5 minutes because you’ve seen that episode of (friends, happy days, Sanford and son, will and grace, I Love Lucy, ect.)

10.   In situations of boredom you might explain to someone the plot of your favorite episode of I Love Lucy.

11.   You don’t watch fat-husband-skinny-wife shows.

12.   You LOVE it when people in sitcoms reference other sitcoms because you always get the reference.

13.   People ask “So what are you up to this summer?” and you scramble to think of something to say besides “Watching Ellen reruns.”

14.   You turn down plans because your favorite episode of a show is on that day.

15.   You read other “you know if you are…” lists and think “Hmm, that was on an episode of…”

16.   You will watch a marathon of almost anything just because there is a marathon.

17.   You schedule TV “events” in your phone.

18.   You tell stories about watching TV.

19.   You often tell the plots of sitcoms like anecdotes of your friends and then wonder why other people think that’s weird.

20.   You discuss the future events of TV and use phrases such as “That just doesn’t seem like something Leslie would do…”, “Can’t you see this plot line setting up!?”, or “Well it depends who’s gonna write that episode…”

21.   You talk to the TV and expect an answer.

22.   You know the names of the writers of your favorite shows.

23.   You judge people by the TV they watch.

EXAMPLE: “Hmph, Glee, I knew it.”

24.   When you discover a new show you must tell everyone, and you are mad when they don’t care.

25.   You can’t finish your list because an episode of Cheers is coming on.